you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
