you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
