if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
