I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
