in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
