I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
