I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
