ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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