I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
