I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
