sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
