I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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