So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
