mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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