We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
