She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
