Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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