i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
