Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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