Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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