just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
