Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
