so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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