I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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