i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
