Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
