I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
