two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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