did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
