Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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