You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
