saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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