I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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