I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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