I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
