i permit you to call me
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
