thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
