this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
