I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
