if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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