dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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