Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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