stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
