I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
