you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
