yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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