Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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