Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Damn victory sex feels great
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
