I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
