We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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