I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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