My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
