i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
