I am puke
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
