Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
