What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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