Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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